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I was recently introduced to a British musical outfit known as Kunt and the Gang. I have decided that it is my favorite band in the whole wide world and that everybody should pay homage to Kunt’s musical genius. As evidence of his talent, I submit his cover version of “I Kissed A Girl,” titled “I Sucked Off A Bloke.” It is the work of a God in human form.

Speaking of sucking people off, we played videogames this week. As always, hit the jump to find out which ones.

PerLee: Stuck in some border land, left for dead too, and trying to take care of my ass…creed 2.

Sterling: Biiiiig list this week:

Serious Sam HD, Dawn of War 2, Fallout 3, Quake, Doom 2, Killing Floor, The Witcher, Audiosurf, Team Fortress 2, Tropico 3, God of War: Collection.

Trouble is, outside of Serious Sam and The Witcher, I’ve only managed to play about ten minutes of each!

Concelmo: My favorite gaming time of year is the four-day Thanksgiving weekend. Usually it consists of me playing some hot new IP that just released during the holiday season, but strangely enough, I played mostly older re-releases this time. The God of War Collection and the Metroid Prime Trilogy took most of my time, and I have to admit, all five games on these compilations are superb. In particular the second God of War and the first Metroid Prime are truly perfect specimens of game design. SO GOOD!

I also played some LEGO Indiana Jones 2 and a little Sam & Max Beyond Time & Space.

Holmes: This week has been such a blur, I’m not even sure what I played.

I know for sure that I got another PS3. The disc drive on my first one broke a few weeks ago, and everywhere I went, they told me it would cost between $140 and $170 to fix it. I decided on getting a used 20GB model for $200 instead, picked it up on Wed, and went completely nuts replaying PS2 games that I’ve never played before or haven’t touched in forever. Persona 4, Resident Evil: Code Veronica X, We <3 Katamari, Ape Escape 3, and a lot more that I just can’t remember.

It made me realize that we aren’t going to have another PS2 this generation. Sure, there will be one console that sells more than all the rest, there always is. It’s just not going to be another PS2. It’s not going to be a place where almost all of the biggest, most popular games and the smallest, most interesting games can both be found. The PS2 really was a perfect storm in that way.

Also bought Flower on sale. Meh.

On the Wii, I still can’t beat the Tofu level in Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles, which is awesome, because Tofu levels were made to be cruelly difficult. Speaking of which, Bit.Trip VOID is living up to expectations. It’s kicking my ass in a wonderful way. When I get exhausted with being thrilled (and killed) by little white dots, I pick up Pokemon Rumble, which allows you to murder approx three Pokemon a second. It’s a total Poke’-holocaust, or Poke’-caust, or whatever.

Finally, played more New Super  Mario Bros. Wii with friends. It’s not getting old.

Razak: I’ve had a crazy hectic week so all I got to do was dive back into Beneath a Steel Sky which I started a while back. Further in and it’s getting really good. I’m retro this week.

Sarkar: I succumbed to a few of the Steam sales this week — I picked up Osmos for $2, Time Gentlemen, Please! and Ben There, Dan That for $5 (on Anthony’s recommendation, so I’m going to demand five bucks from him if I don’t like those games), and Plants vs. Zombies for $5. Seriously, kids, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget that Steam has a “Games Under $5″ page. If you gaze at it, you’ll be turned to stone … and your wallet will be emptied.

I didn’t actually get around to playing any of them, though, because it was a double cash weekend for Uncharted 2! I played a bunch of ranked competitive MP and had lots of fun with Doughnut Drake and Doughnut Lazarevic. It was hilarious to see obese versions of those characters jumping around and climbing walls. Man, I love Naughty Dog. I also played a crapload of Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer, which is as addictive as ever; I’m now up to level 26. I’m still finding the SCAR-H to be my favorite weapon, but I’m going to give the recently unlocked FAL a shot (no pun intended) to see if it can become this game’s G3 (which was my weapon of choice in CoD 4).

Finally, I began playing Machinarium, which is awesome. My brain hasn’t had that kind of workout since, well, I played Machinarium at PAX!

Tolentino: Still without a PS3, I spent most of my gaming time this week playing Shin megami Tensei: Devil Survivor. Then I spent most of Saturday trying to tweak the graphics settings on Dragon Age in an attempt to squeak more than 10 frames a second out of it. I failed, but the game is still (technically) playable.

Chester: Assassin’s Creed 2, Heavy Rain, Band Hero, God of War Collection, iCarly for the Wii, Rock Band 2. There you go.

Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin’ is a surreal comedy series made by Anthony and Ashly Burch. They do a (semi) weekly podcast.

Ashly and myself enjoy Doctor Who. We’ve made very little secret of this throughout both seasons of “Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin.” We also typically end up discussing it in some way during the other HAWPcast episodes, so we figured, to hell with it — let’s just devote an entire episode to Doctor Who conversations and leave it at that.

With that in mind, this week’s HAWPcast functions as a commentary track for “The Waters of Mars,” the most recent Doctor Who special. You’ll need to not-download a copy of the episode to get the full nerdosity.

If you’re not into Doctor Who at all, you’re honestly better off skipping this week’s podcast altogether. We’ll go back to telling random childhood stories and embarrassing anecdotes next week.

Screw Duke Nukem. Sam “Serious” Stone is the real king of first-person-shooter meatheads and if anybody deserved to make a triumphant comeback, it was him. Sure, Sam may not be quite as high profile, and his games may not be quite as refined, but at least Sam’s adventures are released on time, and who needs refinement when you’ve got headless men running toward you with bombs in their hands?

Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter takes us back to Sam’s very first adventure, giving the near-ten-year-old shooter a fresh coat of paint, a new Serious Engine, and 16-player co-op. All worthy additions, but is this a case of mutton dressed as lamb, or does Sam still have the stones? Read on as we review Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter.

Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter (XBLA, PC [reviewed])
Developer: Croteam
Publisher: Devolver Digital
Released: November 24, 2009
MSRP: 1200 MS Points (XBLA), $19.99 (PC)

Nobody will ever accuse Serious Sam of being a complicated game. In fact, as first-person-shooters grow more and more complex, The First Encounter feels like a simplistic island of calm in an ocean of convoluted gameplay gimmickry. The concept behind Serious Sam — a concept that it sticks with religiously from beginning to end — is incredibly easy to grasp: There are big guns. There are big monsters. The big monsters need to be shot with the big guns.

The First Encounter is as close to purity as one can expect. While modern shooters experiment with perks and parkour, Serious Sam refuses to surrender the principles of the early nineties. Health packs are liberally strewn around in a mockery of regenerative health mechanics. Shields are offered like they didn’t go out of fashion five years ago. The most complicated this game gets is giving you the occasional button to press in order to open a door. It’s not rocket science, although rockets are generally involved.

The only thing the player has to be concerned with is endlessly firing shotguns, lasers, miniguns, cannons and grenade launchers at waves upon waves of demented enemies. Be they galloping skeletons, charging bulls, or giant brains on metal legs, the twisted bestiary hurls itself at you at every turn. All you need to worry about is keeping the trigger held and making sure to avoid the endless stream of projectiles and claws that fly your way.

Just because Serious Sam is simple, however, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. In fact, if you’ve never played a game in the series before, be warned now — this thing is insanely tough. Not only are the enemies numerous, they are also formidable, with just one monster fully capable of reducing your health by tens, let alone the hundreds of enemies that will constantly bumrush you, fire homing projectiles at you, or tear you apart with chaingun fire. At times the game can feel overwhelming, even impossible, and I must confess that I eventually left solo shooting behind when I faced what must have been a thousand charging skeletons.

Fortunately, the single-player is not the main event in The First Encounter. If the campaign is too overwhelming in single-player, you can always call for help and tackle the forces of evil with up to sixteen other players. Not only does this make the game more manageable, it’s also ludicrous amounts of fun, turning the game into something more akin to a giant war than a traditional shooter.

Armed with multiple allies (not the mention the ability to respawn), Serious Sam becomes less about worrying over health levels and ammo conservation, and more about simply blasting everything in the way, which is what Serious Sam should always be about. Thanks to the general chaos of the game, having so many people play co-operatively never feels confusing. What’s to be confused about? You just shoot stuff. All the time.

One major gripe, however, is how stingy the game can sometimes be with ammo, especially for the guns that are actually useful. In a game like this, where constant, intense shooting is the only objective, not providing enough ammo for the decent weapons doesn’t feel right. There are loads of pickups around, certainly, but never quite enough to deal with the masses that charge your way. Unless you’re using the shotgun, which seems to constantly have ammo available for it, but feels less and less useful as the game goes on.

The game can feel repetitive of course, since you’re doing the same thing over and over again, and impatient gamers will get tired of the game before its relatively short campaign is through. However, it’s the perfect stress toy, the kind of game you can dip in and out of when you just need something to kill. It’s unrefined and it’s uncultured, but it’s very good at what it does — giving you the perfect venue to let off some steam and just murder everything you see.

As far as the HD improvements goes, the difference is very obvious. Even compared to later Serious Sam games, The First Encounter looks really impressive. Sure, it’s not Killzone 2 or Modern Warfare 2 in the visuals department, but as far as remakes goes, this is definitely one of the better HD paintjobs I’ve seen. It’s bright, colorful and clear, and the monsters especially look great in their shiny new togs. The sixteen player co-op mode works out great too, with games considerably quick and easy to get into. My first few experiences were met with some pretty bad lag, but the general experience has been smooth and sleek. Some form of versus play would have been welcome, but the co-op is more than enough fun.

Serious Sam HD: The First Encounter is a great purchase for both fans of the series and newcomers. Those who have grown up on modern shooters may find the primitive design and simplistic objectives a bit jarring, but the purity of the gameplay simply has to be respected. It looks really good for what it is, and the hardcore, old school shooting action is just as robust as ever. Whether you have a gaming PC or Xbox Live, it’s highly recommended that you pick this one up. There are fewer examples of solid, instantly gratifying gameplay that you can buy for the money.

Score: 8.0 — Great (8s are impressive efforts with a few noticeable problems holding them back. Won’t astound everyone, but is worth your time and cash.)

Link has used plenty of forms of transportation through his games, from horseback to boats to trains, but his feet have never really left the ground (unless you count magic owl teleportation or giant leaf hang gliding). That may change in the next Legend of Zelda as Eiji Aonuma hints at Link being able to take flight somehow. Where did the idea come from? Much like Miyamoto, Aaonuma is taking ideas from his life at home.

“I have an eight-year-old son myself at home,” he said in a recent interview, “and quite recently he started playing The Phantom Hourglass for DS, because when the software first hit the market he was too young. When he started playing with the boat, I told him: ‘In the next Zelda, you are going to be able to ride on the train.’ He answered: ‘OK, Dad, first boat, and then train? Surely next time, Link is going to fly in the sky … ‘”

“I just don’t know. If many people make many speculations … some of them might be correct. Right now, I have to refrain from commenting on anything,” he concluded, while grinning.

He then went on to spill a few more beans as he praised the Wii MotionPlus controls that are being implemented into the game. “I believe that we will be able to offer some great innovations in the new Legend of Zelda. Of course I have to refrain from giving any details, but we are contemplating altering the way the game progresses in comparison with all the past Legend of Zelda franchises,” he said after detailing how well the MotionPlus works for the game.

Want. Now.

The death knoll of consoles and physical media has been ringing since before this current generation of consoles hit the market. It’s a long, slow knoll, but it seems that almost everyone is in agreement that its end is coming. Adding his confirmation to the pile is Square Enix CEO Yoichi Wada, who in a recent interview with MCV said his company, along with Sony and Microsoft, are ready for the shift.

“In ten years’ time a lot of what we call ‘console games’ won’t exist,” he said. Elaborating that console makers like Sony and Microsoft have already prepared for the shift and third-parties need to start doing the same. “Somewhere around 2005 the console manufacturers’ strategy shifted,” he said.

“In the past the platform was hardware, but it has switched to the network. A time will come when the hardware isn’t even needed anymore. With that, any kind of terminal becomes a potential platform on which games can be played – that’s exponential growth in the potential of gaming. The potential size of the market is enormous.”

How is Square Enix getting ready for this impending console doom? They’re ramping up their production of social and browser games and using the launch of Final Fantasy IV beta as a test for how their online services will work in the future.

Not that we haven’t had this debate 50 million times already, but what say you? Prepared to forsake your shiny discs for downloadable games? Ready for a future with a single “console” for your games. I know I’m holding on for dear life to every ounce of physical media I can. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…ohhh, I’m sorry. One second. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA… ha..ha… sorry I’m going to get to the post any second now… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… It’s just…did you see when the fought with trash bags? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH…ok, ok I’m done. No more… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH… they’re called upon to another dimension by…HAHAHAHAH… by a Jawbone… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…flaming fists!

Oh…goodness…hold on…lemme catch my breathe. I’m OK now. I’m not gonna laugh anymore. Let’s talk about how slow the fights look or check out Sean Farris’s face after his name… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… appears. Sorry, I can’t help it. Oh, Gordon Chan I’m going to have to put a lot of faith in you to go see this one. It’s just… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… damn it! You know, what Hamza can tell you more about it. I’ve have to go dry my eyes.

There was a time when Robin Williams was one of the funniest people around, but, as with all great comedians other than George Burns, if they don’t die young they simply start to get old and annoying. Williams is at the “family fun” stage of his career, which appeals to the older generation that grew up with him and now has kids. As such, I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a comedian. Plus, whenever he’s interviewed he always seems to be doing schtick. It annoys me.

However, in the above interview with Jimmy Fallon, Williams gains back a whole lot of ground by admitting that he named his daughter Zelda after the character of the same name from The Legend of Zelda series. In the brief second that Willams allows Fallon to speak Fallon asks about Williams’ gaming habits (18:11). While his “routine” on ten-year-old boys insulting him in Call of Duty is older than dirt and has been done to death, you have to respect his gaming cred for naming his daughter after a famous game character. I’ve been informed that this may already be common knowledge, but the chance to make fun of Jimmy Fallon and Robin Williams in the same post was something I could not pass up.

While I have your attention, I’ve seen Old Dogs and I’d try to avoid it if you can.

Steam is pretty much the de facto standard for PC gaming these days. Even the most retail-loyal PC gamers likely have used it in some way, shape or form. Valve’s Steam-powered empire also dominates the digital distribution landscape. Brad Wardell of Stardock (which owns the Impulse digital platform) estimates that Steam has roughly 70% of market share.

But it’s one thing to be the big kid in the playground. It’s another to start locking the other kids out. PC gamers may recall a brief dustup over the sale of Modern Warfare 2, wherein Direct2Drive, Impulse and other digital vendors refused to stock the title due to its native use of Steamworks, which would require the installation of the Steam client, and thus the Steam storefront. 

I can see things from their point of view, certainly. Why sell a game that, once installed, provides a back door for the competition? Valve has also been lobbying hard for third-party publishers (like Activision and EA) to start including Steam’s native DRM solution, which again could shut out competing services (like Impulse’s Goo DRM).

Then again, the ever-outspoken Derek Smart published a very detailed counterargument on Gamasutra as to why the boycott itself was rather foolish, essentially making Modern Warfare 2 a Steam-exclusive title. The “problem,” Smart claimed, was that Steamworks, as a unified suite of services for multiplayer, auto-patching, storefronts, and authentication, offers much more value to the publisher and developer. Essentially, Steam rules because it’s simply better. Steam boss Jason Holtman showed the same sentiment on Gamesindustry.biz:

To our minds, we think that if you’re making a good game and it’s got the services a customer wants it should get out in as many channels as possible. If you have a good portal and you’re good at collecting money from folks, and attracting them, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be.

And I think he’s right, in that sense. I choose Steam because it’s awesome, and the closest PC gaming has ever come to a platform like PSN or Xbox Live, with the added advantage of there actually being competition. While the potential for abuse is there (as Randy Pitchford complains), there’s always an alternative. Should Valve start to throw its weight around too much, I might just choose Impulse, since it has Sins of a Solar Empire on it. Just, for God’s sake, don’t sell it on Games for Windows Live. Please.

[Weekend Destructainment is a collection of funny videos brought together from all across the Internet to bring you entertainment on these slow and boring weekends.]

The second episode of Machinima’s new series, Critical Flaw, went up not to long ago and it sees the two main stars playing Modern Warfare 2 with Jesus. As it turns out, Jesus is a big fat cheater. What a jerk.

First up after the break is Team Fortress 2 in real life. Then see how you can beat Modern Warfare 2 in 20 seconds. Next, Mega64 travels through time to show off New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Then see how much Mr. T loves himself.

Next up is an old ad for Donkey Kong 64. Followed by an awesome 8-bit cover of “Thriller”. Next, 20 Coaches rampage through Left 4 Dead 2. Then it’s an old ad for the PlayStation One. The Destructainment ends with a really horrible ad for the Xbox 360.

Team Fortress 2 in real life.

How to beat Modern Warfare 2 in 20 seconds. SPOILERS

Mega64: Billy the number one Nintendo fanboy travels through time to show off New Super Mario Bros. Wii.

Mr. T talks more about his mohawk in World of Warcraft.

Old school ad: Donkey Kong 64. Spotted on GoNintendo.

8-bit Thriller.

20 Coaches, one Left 4 Dead 2. Spotted on Hot Blooded Gaming.

Stick, it’s better than the PlayStation One. Thanks, Morris!

Looks like it’s Microsoft’s turn to finally have some really horrible TV ads.